Papa
by AmadErik
Summary: This is a oneshot I wrote for the prompt "an intimate Poto moment" on tumblr. This is a "deleted scene" from Devil's Little Face, Erik has to accept his hard feelings about passing the deformity to his firstborn, and it is hard for him to bond with his daughter, Mahtab at first.


Those three weeks of leave Erik took from work to help Christine after the childbirth had expired. To be honest, Erik did not even mind it too much. He wanted to go back to work and even the stressful situations and tiring days of a structural engineer were more appealing to him in these days than staying home all day any longer. Even though Christine had asked him a few times if he was able to take some more days, possibly one more week, to help with the newborn she wasn't completely feeling comfortable staying all alone with suddenly, Erik shook his head with some well- acted regret and would say he did if he could, yet they had some urgent errands at the company and they were very close to deadline.

\- Maybe I will even have to work late my dear, please forgive Erik for that. He has to complete his duties at work, no matter how he had just became a father, life can't stop.

\- I know. - Christine admitted. - But please try to come home as soon as possible, we need you home.

It would have been such a sweet statement of his Christine if it weren't for this "we", only "I". He was happy his sweet and beautiful wife was waiting for him to arrive home, but he wasn't at all eager to see that other one day by day. He knew a pregnancy in his family can't and certainly won't go well. He blamed himself often for passing the deformity and he thought he should have never fathered a child, and asked God in his mind why on Earth a man like he was fertile at all, especially in his fifties. Why is life so hard? Why this child had to be born, and why she had to inherit a face like a baby mummy? These different colored eyes, the missing half lips, the yellow skin, the missing nose… he can't even disown her, they will exactly know she was his daughter, he can't deny it in front of God and men.

Maybe, if Christine at least would have been willing to put a mask on her, he would get used to her within time and accept the fact that he was going to raise a child like his poor unhappy Mother needed to take care of in the past. But she refused to put a mask on Mahtab, which fact resulted in Erik getting either repulsed by those horrible features which reminded him his own excuse of a face, or he just chose to wallow in pity both for the child and himself. That poor thing will have a hard life, even harder than his. How could he be so selfish, not thinking about making another human being suffer of a miserable life of an outcast? What is the use of creating such a life and now there being one more devil's burden on the Earth? What is the use of Mahtab's life when they will have to hide her from the outer world for a lifetime? She won't be able to become anything, she will be an ugly, unneeded useless creature. What was the use of her birth other than making Christine happy that she received a doll to dress up and walk around with proudly?

This was one more thing that bothered him: Christine's endless love and acceptance towards that ugly child. How can she kiss that face without getting repulsed of it? How can she cradle her in her arms like that, just as if it was looking perfectly normal? How can someone look past those horrid features without any difficulty? If Christine can do so, why couldn't his Poor unhappy Mother do the same to him? Why is Mahtab loved if HE wasn't? Why wasn't he if she is?

Well, all right then.

Let them be happy together, the two of them. She wanted a baby, she got it. No matter what it looks like and how disgusting is to feed it due to the lack of properly grown lips, and how nasty is it to clean her nonexistent nose. It does not seem to bother Christine. Well, good, all good. Let her take care of that miserable little failure! She wanted it! She asked for it! Erik did not even WANT her. He did not want any child at all.

Now he can do what other men do in Paris who support their families: work all day. By the time he arrives home the monster shall be already in bed so he won't be bothered by her. He can spend some time with his wife still, after he returned. All is well. Christine can play with the small thing the whole day if she wanted. She wanted it. And he shall not even feel guilty about it. Supporting the family, it is just that. He can't be blamed for not being home most of the dday. He goes to put money and bread on the table. He did not imagine married life like that, to be honest, but he just refused to think of spending more than necessary time with his small bothersome look - alike. It was enough to see her in those little times as well.

\- I put Mahtab to bed. - She greeted him with a tired smile and a hug when he stepped into the house in the evening.

Nice. And? Not "Good evening, Erik, I am glad to see you home."? Huh? Will it be just about this little pest all night long. He did not have to disappoint. Christine was eager to tell him things. Things he wasn't interested in at all. She told him how much the baby ate, how hard was it to breastfeed her, but she would absolutely want to breastfeed Mahtab, but it was impossible due to the lack of half of her lips. She did this, she did that, she "smiled" (one can imagine with that mouth, what a smile that could be, better not to imagine), she slept these many hours, she is sleeping, she wore this outfit, she is now dressed in that nightwear and so on and so on.

\- Good. - Erik nodded, trying so hard to disguise his dismay and boredom of hearing about nothing but the small fault of the marriage. - And how are you, Christine?

\- I am in a great health. - She smiled warmly, but yawned after.

\- That is all I am happy for. - Erik answered matter- of- factly.

Christine seemingly was too tired to notice or fully understand Erik's bitter remark, so she just placed her needlework on her lap, and continued working on it, humming a soft melody under her breath. Erik sighed in a bad mood when he noticed Christine was embroidering the child's name on a small towel. Everything in this house now is about the newborn. No one and nothing can save his mind from his mistake he made.

It is irreversible, and poisoning their lives and married life.

If he hadn't promised Christine he wasn't going to actively take part in making that mistake disappear, he would have already walked to the nursery while Christine was sleeping, and would have mercifully squeezed a pillow against that horrid skull head just to make it disappear, just like his mother should have done it to him when he was yet a helpless infant, instead of just letting him survive and lead this miserable life he could have been spared of…

But since he had his sweet Christine with him, despite she could have gone with the young man but she chose Erik… the only person who is kind to him and loves him… now that he loves her and they led a happy married life, up until this point… now shall he throw it all away? If he hurt the baby, Christine would go away. She said so, and what she says, she will do. Definitely. If he kills the child, Christine will go away and he will stay all alone again, with the guilt bothering him of losing his wife and the child as well at the same time…

And however ugly that creature was, he could not have hurt her.

Yes, he did not wish to take part in taking care of her any more than necessary, but killing her… that would be too much of a cruel and heartless act from even a monster like him. He understood now why Mother never killed him. It was harder to harm a baby than he would think. Some unusual and unknown feeling took over him sometimes if Mahtab cried and he saw the baby in the crib. He could have called it worry or… needing to care for her, if he had to word it. He felt like he had to protect the child from any danger, he had to make sure she was all right…

Is it called love of a father?

It was so strange to think himself as a father right at that moment.

He did not know how much time he spent, imitating he was reading a book, but staring in front of himself while wondering about this, when he heard that familiar sound from the other end of the hallway. He tried to just ignore it at first, maybe she falls silent if they don't react to her. But she was still crying.

\- Christine…

Though he felt it wasn't righteous with Christine to make her take care of Mahtab again while he was at home as well, as she was looking after the baby all day long, but he simply did not feel well enough to face the living image of himself and could not bear the sight. No, no, not now. In the morning, before he goes to work. He will feed or wash her. Or just take a look at her. Seldom.

Christine did not respond though, neither to the child's crying, nor to Erik calling her name. She fell asleep for sure. Looking at her direction, he noticed Christine's head leaned to the side, and she wasn't holding the embroidery properly any more. As he stepped closer to check her, he saw she was smiling in her peaceful sleep. Yes, she was tired. Because of overstraining herself with the baby all day long. It was too much for a young mother, all alone, without any help, and he was simply a selfish pig.

He had a child and he had to face the consequences of it. He should not act like this, waiting for the problem just disappear magically. It is his child as well. He has to at least try to take part in her life.

Now being careful not to wake Christine, he hurried to the nursery to see what Mahtab's problem was at the moment, and solve it without Christine this time. Crossing the dark hallway would not have been a problem for him if it wasn't leading to the child. Darkness did not bother him usually, he was able to see in the dark, even colors, but fear overtook his heart as he was walking to the child's room. Now he understood what was it like to be afraid in the dark, crossing a hallway. He wanted to forget this feeling long long ago, he did not like to admit he felt like this many times in his childhood when he had to leave his room at night and walk along the hall to have a glass of water or even worse when he had to walk out to the yard to use the outhouse.

He tucked his head in through the door to see what the small thing wanted of its poor parents, but just as he arrived to the door the nasty human being stopped fussing.

\- You know who to play jokes on. - He murmured angrily, but relieved at the same time, hoping she won't start it over so he won't have to go closer.

He wasn't a lucky man. Just as he turned his back to the door and wanted to go back to the drawing room, Mahtab started it over. What a talent in annoying him, even just a few weeks after her birth already. To go on his nerves. With a sigh, he gave up fighting and turned back, obediently walking to the crib to face the irreversible.

Checking on the diaper, thankfully it was clean.

\- God saved me from the nasty task, it seems. - He murmured. - But then what on Earth is your problem? You cannot be hungry, right? Your mother fed you. Then?

He sat down next to the cradle and was examining Mahtab with a mixture of worry and displeasure, but in the end a hint of that unknown feeling he could not name mingled itself among his feelings and slowly took over the place of the aforementioned two.

Acting nearly against his will and better judgement, he reached out towards the cradle and lifted the young baby out of it to hold her close to himself so he will be able to see her better. The baby was making some whiny noises, maybe she was feeling uncomfortable for some reason. Out of instinct, something Erik thought he even lacked, being a man and such a monster, he hugged the baby, resting her head on his shoulder and held her like that. This seemed to work, Mahtab stopped whining.

Even though the method worked in a short time and Erik could have placed the girl back to the cradle and leave the room in peace, he did not. He stayed with his daughter for some more time, the first time in their lives together, and he did not even feel like vomiting, or he wished to put the baby down as soon as possible.

Something strange happened when he looked at the baby's head. Her eyes looked to be fixed on him and he maybe was hallucinating but he could have sworn he saw happiness and love in her glance. Can it be the child looked at him with ADORATION? Was she glad to see him finally?

No, of course not. So young infants can't see clearly yet and he wasn't even sure she recognized him at all. They haven't really interacted lately. He did not hold her in days. A baby might even forget about someone they can't see for days in this age. But then what is this strange feeling? Maybe it is not even Mahtab being happy about their bonding, but is it Erik himself? Can it be he missed holding Mahtab when he wanted to avoid it more than anything?

Maybe disgust can be overcame?

Maybe he will be able to be, once maybe, a loving father to this child… Mahtab?

Can it be he loves her even now?

\- Don't cry, Mahtab. Papa is here.

He said softly, not even realizing the fact he called himself "Papa" instead of Erik" to the child, and that he was willing to call the little girl by her name at the same time.

It happened for the first time since she was born.


End file.
